Toys That Probably Should Not Exist by Joey Esq

Hello CCD-ites! It's been awhile, but your boy JoeyEsq is back with another article about 80's toys to cure your Cultural Compulsive Disorder... if your particular disorder has to do with 80's toys that is. Now normally I write a feature here called "Takin' You Back... Way Back" in which I illuminate you on a forgotten yet totally awesome toy line from the 1980's, but in this one I'm taking a bit of a different approach. Today I'm focusing on a topic that has kinda fascinated me since I was young - toys based on movies that were totally not for kids. Don't get me wrong, I'm not knocking any of the movies below. In fact I love most of them. It's just kind of bizarre how many toy properties there are out there that were based on something no child had any business seeing. Check 'em out after the jump!

Takin You Back… Way Back: Spiral Zone by Joe Esq

Well, well, well, what have we here? Another installment of my award winning (in my head) column, Taking You Back… Way Back. That’s right kids; I’m thawed out of carbon freeze, and ready to drop some more obscure 80’s toy knowledge on your heads. This time around I’m tackling Tonka’s 1987 foray into the boy’s action figure market, Spiral Zone. Ride into the Zone with me, after the jump…

Takin' You Back... Way Back: C.O.P.S.

Today's edition of Takin You Back... Way Back is one I've been sitting on for a long time; one of my favorite of the forgotten toy lines of the 1980's, C.O.P.S. The acronym stood for Central Organization of Police Specialists, and the tagline was "Fighting Crime in a Future Time". This awesome toy line produced by Hasbro debuted in 1988 and to me really closed out the "80's era" of boys toys, as attention would shortly shift to Ninja Turtles and Power Rangers, and things were never the same afterward. Technically TMNT is an 80's toy line as well, but I won't be discussing it here, not only because the Turtles are about as far from "forgotten" as you can get, but also because there's something about the Ninja Turtles toys and cartoon that just screams early 90's to me, and thus it falls outside the scope of these articles. No, today we're gonna talk about C.O.P.S., the last great action figure line of the 1980's.

Takin You Back... Way Back: Wheeled Warriors

Well well well... Guess who's biz-ack? That' right kids, it's your boy JoeyEsq back with another long overdue edition of Takin You Back... Way Back. For those of you who are uninitiated, TYB... WB is the column here at CCD where I shed some light on the forgotten toys of the greatest decade of all time, the 1980's. This time around I'll be highlighting the toys whose commercials boasted they'd let you "stack and attack" (or, more accurately, stack-ack-ack-ack-ack-ack and attack-ack-ack-ack-ack-ack-ack), otherwise known as Wheeled Warriors.

More after the jump!

Hoth Gets Relocated To A Guy Named Barry's Living Room!!!

Barry must live alone, because if he had a wife or significant other she would never let him get away with this.  Barry is a huge Star Wars fan, and he has decided to use all 140 square feet of his living room to build a 3-D diorama of the Battle of Hoth from Empire Strikes Back. I am barely allowed to have my comic long boxes in the basement... so there is no way his lady would allow this to go down in her living room!!!! Either way this is an enormous undertaking, and is absolutely fantastic. My dude got snow speeders, At-Ats, Rebel and Imperial fighters, various other space ships and battle machinations, and much more. It even has Vader choking out a Rebel X-Wing pilot... could it be Luke himself? This is just so amazing, and a true testament to what it is to be a real deal Star Wars super fan. Enjoy some phenomenal pics after the jump, and show your man Barry some love over at his Facebook page...

80s Toys by Hartter

My geeky man love for the art of Sean Hartter is well known, but the more I go through his back log of pieces over at his site the more I realize I need to share this amazing stuff with the world. I can't wait for October to roll around and we have our first CCD table at the New York City Comic Con in collaboration with my main man Sean. Today we will take a look at some of the retro 80s toys that Sean has created over the years via digital manipulation and his own unique stylings. Some of these are so well suited (Maximum Overdrive Optimus Prime? Yeah... that is perfect!), and some are a bit more ambitious (Leon the professional MOTU figure? WTF!!!!). either way, all of them are awesome. Enjoy them after the jump, and get on over to Sean's site and buy some of his prints. Like now....

Toys From The Grail List: Rom - Spaceknight

For a comic book based on a toy Marvel Comics got a surprisingly amount of mileage out of this concept. This light-up robot toy is one of my Holy Grail figures. If you ever see one about, stick it into your jumper for me.

Read more after the break...

Takin You Back... Way Back!!! by Joe Esq

Yo CCDers! Your boy JoeyEsq is back with more obscure 80's toy goodness! Now everyone remain calm, your eyes are not deceiving you, this really is the second "Takin You Back..." in as many weeks. I have no real explanation for this sudden burst of creativity and inspiration, but lets not question it too much and just enjoy the ride. Ok? Great!

Takin You Back... Way Back!!!

Hey kids, I know its been awhile, but I'm finally back with another installment of "Takin You Back… Way Back", the column where I take an in-depth look at some of the more obscure and forgotten toy lines of the 1980's.

Today's topic of reminiscent rumination is a toy line called The Inhumanoids. Released by Hasbro in 1986, The Inhumanoids were subterranean creatures who wanted to (what else?) destroy mankind and take over the world. They were opposed by a group of heroic scientists called Earth Corps lead by Herc Armstrong (whose parents must have known he was going to be a monster-fighting hero-scientist, since they named him that). Weird that this series is named The Inhumanoids and not Earth Corps; I can't think of another toy/cartoon series that's named after the villains.

JoeyESQ's Ode To Toys

What's up CCD Fam, JoeyEsq here. Now most of you know me from my "Takin You Way Back" columns where I highlight various forgotten and under appreciated toys from that great decade, the 1980's. If you don't know, that's where I bring you up to speed on some of the more obscure, lesser known and less successful toylines that came out during my youth. Now when I write those columns I absolutely do some research, and Google Images and YouTube are phenomenal in the visual aide department, but in every article, at least some of (if not all) of what I write is from memory. That got me thinking, I have a lot of really fond, really vivid memories involving toys. Probably way more than a 33 year old attorney should admit to having. But whatever, thoughts of my old toys always bring a warm feeling to my heart,  so I thought I'd share some of those thoughts and warm feelings with you.

Takin You Back... Way Back: Bionic Six

Greetings earthlings! So, since I suffered a nice neck and back injury at the gym a few days ago, I stayed home from work a few days and had some time to write! That’s right, I’ve now written two articles in less than a month! This will probably never happen again! I can probably retire now! Anyway, I’m back with another installment of Takin You Back… Way Back; the column where I highlight some of the awesome forgotten toy lines from the greatest decade in the history of the known universe, the 1980’s! Today’s topic is one I've been saving for awhile so I could give it the attention it deserved: The Bionic Six!

**Click after the jump to read more!**

Takin You Back... Way Back: All Horror Week Edition

Hi kids! I’ve come out of retirement (from my laziness and lack of motivation) to bring you a special Halloween edition of Takin’ You Back… Way Back! Before we get into today’s featured forgotten 80’s toy line, I want to talk about Halloween for a quick minute. Halloween was never my favorite holiday, but looking back it definitely holds a special place in my heart. See, I was a spoiled kid. Like real spoiled. I mean, my parents occasionally told me no, which meant there were some months I didn’t get to go to Toys R Us. Or, there would have been if I didn’t have four grandparents for whom the word “no” simply didn’t exist when it came to the wants of their first-born grandson. Click after the jump to read more...

Best Action Figures.... EVER!!!!!

Check out these incredibly realistic action figures for Aunt Beru & Uncle Owen, the extended family that raised Luke on Tattooine. After looking at them, I can't really tell if the figures mirror Beru & Owen from Episode IV or from the Prequels... see for yourself after the jump and leave your comments below.

These Masters of the Universe Toy Posters Will Take You Back

Way back... god I loved me some He-Man back in the day!!! The best part about being a kid back in the 80's was the cool posters that the toy companies used to put out to promote their new lines. Here are 5 to take you back down memory lane. Hope you enjoy them as much as I did. Thanks to Io9 for digging these bad boys up. (Click all of the posters to enlarge)

Now This Is A Roast I Would Watch...

Check out this hysterical video from Robot Chicken, a front row seat to the 'Roast of Cobra Commander'. Wow... just wow.



That is an awful lot of blow job jokes... and only one involving the Baroness... The Serpentor line about gathering DNA was by far the best, no?

Taking It Back... Way Back Vol #3 by Joe Esq

Hiya kids! Your boy JoeyEsq is here with Volume 3 of “Takin It Back… Way Back”, the article where I highlight for you some of the forgotten toy lines of that most magical of decades, the 1980’s! Unlike the previous two articles (which you can check out here and here) today’s has a theme – He-Man knockoffs. Now with the exception of maybe Star Wars, He-Man was probably the most important and influential toy line of the 80’s, and I’m not only saying that because both properties were copiously ripped off by less creative minds in the toy industry.

Back in the 60’s and 70’s the FCC had all kinds of rules in place about the amount of advertising that could be run during children’s programming. Why this was any of the government’s business in the first place I’ll never understand, but the bottom line was you couldn’t use kid’s programming to try to sell stuff to kids. ABC and Mattel found this out the hard way in 1968 when the FCC decided that the Saturday morning cartoon Hot Wheels was just an extended commercial for the toy cars (never mind that the show was about a racing team and specific cars were never actually featured).

***Please click Read more below to see more of Joe Esq. "Takin' It Back... Vol#3"***

Joe Koch Comics Warehouse Has Something For Everybody...

Joe Koch in just one of the aisles... look how many books!!!

... even you!!! Imagine a place where there were 200,000 back issues of comics that cost only 1 buck, thousands of graphic novels for 6 bucks a pop (or 4 for $20), hundreds of vintage toys, posters & magazines for under 3 bucks, and hundreds of thousands of more rare geek finds for sale under one roof. Now here is the catch... this place is REAL!!! It's called Joseph Koch's Comic Warehouse and if you need to pick up some gifts for the geeks in your life for Christmas, then you are in luck. Joe & the gang are having a warehouse sale this weekend, Nov. 20th & 21nd, at their Sunset Park, Brooklyn location. Usually Joe only offers the warehouse up to appointments, and I have had the pleasure of having one such appointment. To sum up the contents of this place, I can only use one word: DAUNTING!!! Its not a matter of finding something to buy there. Instead, its a matter of figuring out what you want to put back because you have too much stuff in you bag for the checkout counter.

My Swag from my last trip to Joseph Koch Comics Warehouse!!!

The staff has the place wired, and even though it looks chaotic inside, its an organized chaos. I scored tons of great vintage comic posters for my son Mikey's bedroom, about 10 graphic novels, a gift for fellow blogger Johnny Boots over at Freddy In Space, and a ton of back issues of Plastic Man because he is currently Mikey's go-to superhero. Friend & CCD contributor, Tommy Lombardozzi, came along as well, and he had a ton of shit in his bag... all in all, a great place. I even got interviewed by the local newspaper 'The Brooklyn Paper' for a story they were doing (click here to see it). So make sure you make your way over to 41st St & 2nd Ave in Sunset Park, Brooklyn and follow the signs... if you are a nerd, geek, comic dork, toy collector, memorabilia lover... well, this is the place for you!!!

Takin' It Back... Way Back!!! With Joey Esq

Hey kids, its time for another installment of Takin’ it Back... Way, Back with your Deity of all things 80’s, JoeyESQ (that’s me). Which means its time once again to talk about more of the forgotten toy lines of that particular decade. As I discussed last time , I’ve always felt that the 80’s were the “golden age” of boys toys, especially compared today when everything on the Toys R Us shelves is unoriginal, derivative, uninspired and boring. Speaking of which, remember when TRU was set up like a real store, and not some OCD obstacle course? I miss aisle 7C. Anyway, let’s get started...

THE SAGA OF CRYSTAR: Released by Remco in late 1982, Crystar, along with Mantech (which I discussed in the last article) were among the first action figures I can remember owning. I have semi-vivid half memories of Christmas 1982 and being almost 4 years old and getting a bunch of Crystar stuff that year. The entire line consisted of only 7 figures, a few vehicles and a playset. Looking at pictures on the ‘net the only ones I didn’t have were the Crystal Dragon, the Castle and the two Shatterpults (which is a cool fuckin name for a vehicle, I must say). I still have the Lava Dragon in fact, as it ended up in my He-Man box long after the Crystar toys were lost or thrown away. Now that I think about it, that might be the toy I’ve owned longer than any other.

Unfortunately, just like Mantech, Crystar didn’t have a cartoon or movie to support it, and just like Mantech it was crushed by the absolute dominance of Star Wars and He-Man, and there was never a second wave of figures beyond the initial release. Marvel Comics did release a 12 issue mini-series, and from what I read about it, the storyline did seem pretty original. I couldn’t even find anything Crystar related on Youtube (I KNOW there was a commercial because I can still hear it in my head), which definitely speaks to how obscure Crystar really is, because lets face it, EVERYTHING is on Youtube.

***Please click "Read more" below to read the rest of Joe Esq's Takin' It Back... Way Back***