June 21, 2011

Why DC Fucked Up Green Lantern... Or How To Piss Away 300 Million Bucks & Alienate Fanboys Everywhere


I went to see 'Green Lantern' on opening day Friday, and it took me a few days to write this article. I went to see it with my son Mikey, and I wanted to like it. Hell, I wanted to love it. I wanted it to be the best superhero movie of the summer, maybe the best all time. I love Ryan Reynolds, Nolan has only one more Batman movie left, and DC is eons behind Marvel in the movie adaptation department and I would like to see some parody. I left the movie satisfied, entertained and overall content. But the more I think about it.....


... the more I can see all the movies faults and I become enraged that DC did it again. Why? How? Is it possible for one group of people to fuck up so many times? On paper this is perfect. We have technology today that can bring aliens alive and create the universal wide appeal of the Lantern comic books. Worlds, aliens, and space are child's play to create nowadays. Next you got Ryan Reynolds as Hal Jordan/Green Lantern. Great choice for a fearless/arrogant prick that Hal used to be in the books. Then the stills and cast announcements came out, one better then the next. Great actors like Peter Sarsgaard, Tim Robbins, and Mark Strong in the supporting cast. Voices from Michael Clarke Duncan and Geoffrey Rush for the alien lanterns. Sexy ass Blake Lively as the love interest/eye candy. Everything LOOKED wonderful. Accurate. A sure to be homerun. Then the movie really came out. No homerun here... a single at best.

I'd put my power ring on this one for sure... fuck Beyonce!!!!

Why? Why has it happened again? How can DC have gotten it wrong? It all lies in the plot details of the movie. Everyone looks and acts the parts well. From Reynold's dickish portrayal of Hal to the awesomeness that was the Lantern home planet of Oa and all the alien Lanterns... they got the look right. But the story and details are all ridiculous and nonsensical to the point of making my head hurt. Want proof. Here is my top 5 gaffes that prevent Green Lantern from being anything more then a middle of the pack superhero movie.

  1. The ring is suppose to be used by a fearless man. A guy who can master emotions better then anybody. Throughout the whole movie, Jordan displays fear. Over and Over again. Even when he is successfully being Green Lantern... this is just unexplainable.
  2. Parallax is the stupidest superhero movie villain ever. He is unstoppable... yet Abin Sur stopped him. But then Abin Sur couldn't stop him a second time, even after he had been imprisoned for mad long and was probably weaker then their first meeting. Then, instead of following Sur to Earth to finish him, he just floats off and does some random bad guy destroying of worlds. He defeats anyone who tries to fight him, including what was supposed to be the BEST OF THE BEST Lanterns in the whole Corps. Yet when he fights Hal Jordan on Earth, he gives him breaks to regroup and even allows him to get his ring back from Hammonds. He is then held off by the inexperienced GL Jordan, even though Sinestro & the other Lantern All Stars could do nothing with him. Then he is tricked like a 5 year old to get sucked into a sun. C'mon. This entity that is so strong, flies through space for years on end, is a scourge to the entire universe, and has killed some of the best Lanterns ever known just gets tricked to kill himself... just liked that? That is weak. WEAK!!!!
  3. Only the ring's owner can use the ring. Shit... even Reynolds had trouble getting the ring to work initially!!! How the fuck did Hammonds get to put it on an use it? How come Jordan couldn't summon it back to him? How come??? Tell me... SAY IT!!! SAY IT!!! (Sam Kinison voice). Its things like this that bother me. Taking liberties with the mythos. Why? It's not like the pros aren't involved in this movie making process. Geoff Johns & tons of other DC bigwigs are producers and writers on this movie. Why deviate from 50 YEARS worth of continuity for NO REASON WHATSOEVER? I am curious myself....
  4. Sinestro falls from grace and then becomes tempted by the Yellow side of the force (hehehe) in the comic books. But not here. He is not the same iron willed hard ass he was in the comics, willing to kill in the name of order. In the movie he is at best semi-insubordinate. He is the REAL HERO in this movie. He is the one who wants to fight Parallax, defend Oa and the universe, and be the best Green Lantern he can be. He has no reason to put on the yellow ring at the end... yet he does it anyway. Why? To set up a sequel that might not even happen due to the underwhelming success this movie may see at the box office. they should have showed him losing his grip on right and wrong.. slipping to the "Dark Side" so to speak. But instead we see a mediocre hero in Hal Jordan get all the glory and the true hero of the movie turn bad for no reason whatsoever. Thanks.
  5. The plot must have been written by a 7 year old. Doesn't DC have anybody checking this before hand? It starts at the beginning with Ferris Air testing out drones fighter jets (no pilots) against THEIR OWN BEST PILOTS in an attempt to secure a contract to make more drones. Couldn't Ferris's pilots (Jordan & Lively) just throw the challenge to get the contracts? Why would the Army agree to these ludicrous conditions? They wouldn't. Then the company is gonna fold, and its all Jordan's fault... but then it's OK!!!! And now we are having a party... cause Ferris got the contract!!! Wait... what? How the fuck... this is just one example. How about Hector's ever expanding head and extreme sweating problem? No one saw a change in the bio-geeks demeanor BEFORE he became a full blown super villain? And Parallax can defeat the best of the best GL's ever, but he comes to Earth and only manages to kill a handful of civilians and destroy 1 warehouse? Then he loses to the new guy? WTF!!!! No to mention, how the fuck did Parallax get out of the prison Abin Sur put him in initially? He broke the Green prison he was in, THEN killed the three aliens to gain some power. If he could break the Green prison, why did he wait so long? Things like this are frustrating and annoying... and to be frank, have no place in a movie that is being made for 300 MILLION dollars.
Listen... the movie was not all bad. It was fun. My son loved it. I had a good time. It's just sad that it's downfall comes from things that are so easy to fix. I mean, you get the look of the aliens/outer space worlds right, your cast is awesome, you get a decent story arc together... and then you blow it over minor details and impossible scenarios? Why? This one had tons of potential... but falls way short of that potential. DC better hope Nolan kills Batman 3 (he most definitely will) and Zack Snyder gets the Superman franchise back on track (one can hope), or else their movie business days may be short lived. We shall see. I am not saying not to go and see 'Green Lantern'. Just make sure you check out better movies like 'X-Men: First Class' & 'Thor' first.

5 comments:

  1. that, drone thing didn't hit me till today either, but yeah, no sense. He also had about 20 seconds of training and then he quits and they just let him keep the ring.

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  2. Well, fuck. I haven't seen it yet, but when a movie is panned by fans as well as critics, it probably sucks. How frustrating. I don't mind deviations from the comics. First Class really didn't have that much in common but it was still A- a great movie and B- the "essence" of the comics was still there. When you make GL afraid, you take away what is in essence the core of GL. For shame, DC. For shame.

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  3. I may have read 1 Green Lantern comic once. I liked the film, I thought it was more fun and more of an homage to say the Chris Reeves 'Superman' films a bit. I disagree with you on pretty much every point except the Hammond's use of the ring...I thought for sure they'd explain that as Jordan manipulating the ring without actually wearing it but, they didn't. They even went so far as to show that once the ring was on Hammonds dead cold hand in the next scene. Jordan couldn't even summon it or anything. so Hector Hammond using it was just completely left unexplained.
    All the other points you take issue with, I feel like they explained in their own way. Just seems like you don't like their explanations.

    I don't think comic fans or any fan of Summer movies should pass on this film thinking it's some sort of travesty. It's great fun. I'll see this one 10 more times before I give Bayformers 3 even a minute of my time.

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