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October 26, 2010

My 3 Favorite Scary Movies Of All Time: Joe Esq Edition

Ever since that scene in Scream where Ghostface asks Ms Barrymore that same question people have been asking each other it with regularity. Actually, I'm pretty sure they have been asking each other that since the beginning of film itself. Scary movies are just so easy to talk about... and so easy to form an opinion of. For many reasons they are the genre of movies that you can point to and say "Yup, these are the ones I LOVE!!!" In honor of CCD's 1st annual All Horror Week, we decided to highlight some of our contributors and friends 3 favorite scary/horror movies of all time. These may not be the best, but they are each person's FAVORITE, so these lists should be quite fun. Here we go!

Give me back my presents, motherfucker!!!!
For those of you who know him or have read some of his work here on CCD, you know that Joe Esq is what some would call a regularly unhappy person with the rest of the world. Don't get me wrong, he is not a constant downer (like another certain 6'5 friend of CCD who shall remain nameless... TONTO!!!!), but he is just constantly getting infuriated by other assholes actions. His witty banter and sharp tongue often has us laughing for hours on end. For more of this one of a kind Joe Esq humor, check out his blog Perpetual Satisfaction by clicking here, and look for Joe's "Taking It Back... Way Back" columns here on CCD. Now, with no further ado, we get Joe Esq's 3 favorite scary movies of all time.

Star Wars Episode 1: The Phantom Menace (1999) - Very frightening to me because its a simple and realistic demonstration on how too much success can be a bad thing. Its the story of a once innovative and creative director who grew fat and bloated on his own perceived brilliance, surrounded himself with lackeys and yes-men, and decided marketing to four year olds could be a satisfying substitute for real storytelling, plot continuity, and decent acting performances. Theater goers world-wide were forced to watch in abject horror as fart jokes, and shit jokes, replaced relatable characters and overly busy computer effects replaced simple and masterful puppeteering. This movie continues to scare the shit out of me, most notably for its ability to confuse viewers into thinking there's anything good about it.

Transformers (2007) - Insanely frightening, not only for its Star Wars prequel-like ability to fool its viewers into thinking it was a decent movie (nevermind those who were so brainwashed into thinking it was actually a good one), but paralyzingly scary for the simple fact that it grossed 710 million dollars worldwide. The fact that THAT many people were so willing to forego anything resembling a plot, much less a plot that's actually about Transformers, because there were a whole bunch of explosions, Megan Fox is hot, and there's that part where that one robot pees on that guy should have everyone in church praying for humanity's salvation... and that's coming from someone who doesn't believe in god. Scariest of all, this abomination of a movie gave birth to a sequel which featured these:

Spider-Man 3 (2007) - Scary once again because it is once again demonstrative of the public's willingness to so easily forego things that should be a staple in every movie, like a plot that makes sense just to see some special effects that look reasonably cool. This hunk of crap grossed almost 340 million dollars. Also this movie features a Peter Parker who turns semi-evil, and demonstrates this by becoming emo and performing a song and dance number. Bone chilling stuff.


  1. As always, a well written and truly accurate post. I have yet to see Spider-Man 3. I guess I can just pass on it then!

    The Transformers movies really hurt me. I wanted to enjoy them so bad, but it just did not happen. As Tommy L said, "a disgrace."

  2. Well written.

    Star Wars Phantom Menace is one of my favorites though. I'm happily ignorant to it's flaws. You were right on with the other 2. I hate that a film I like makes it on a list with 2 other films that I despise as much as you...if not more.

  3. I will not use this comment space to disagree with you... you guys know my position of why I do not despise these movies. I instead would like to highlight my wonderous ability to allow content that is contradictory to my own beliefs to appear here on CCD, uneditted... I am a just an fair blogmaster, no??? That being said, I hear by sentence Joe Esq to 6 months of non CCD posting for opinions differing from the throne!!!! Anybody else got something bad to say about Mr. Jar Jar???

  4. Lol... just kidding. I love it when you spew hate Joe. LOVE IT!!!! I knew you were going to do something like this. You never disappoint!!! Thanks for staying consistent and being you brother. You always have an open forum here at CCD!!!