Lost Recap Season 6 Episode 4 'The Substitute' by Jeff Bond

The Substitute.......Or as I like to call it 'Best Episode of LOST Ever!!'


Quick, what's better than James 'Sawyer' Ford this season? James 'Sawyer' Ford this season with John 'Smoke Monster' Locke in tow. Or was it really John 'Smoke Monster' Locke doing the towing? Either way a MAGNIFICENT episode coming off the heels of last weeks filler nonsense in which Sawyer died 4times....

Let's get to it shall we? We have LOTS of ground to cover. Starting with......

Ilana sitting in the the foot of the fallen statue weeping at the loss of her leader Jacob and the rest of her fellow 'foot' soldiers. In walks Ben who excuses his intrusion. Ilana collects herself and questions Ben as to what happened. Ben, seemingly back to his old manipulative ways, bends the truth in his own favor and reports that Locke turned into a sexy stream of black smoke and partyed on her boys and than kicked Jacob's shit into the fire. No mention of ANY wrong-doing on Ben's part. Ilana scurries over to the fire pit where Ashy Jacob's remnants are and collects some of him up in a her little velvet weed pouch.

Ilana now joins the leftover Ajira peeps outside the relic and suggests they bury Locke. Let me just go on record as saying 'It's about friggin' time!' I wouldn't care if it was my most hated adversary laying rotting on the beach like that, I'd still suggest burying him....or at least covering him up with a palm tree branch or something. Stinky bald eyesore! They drag our fallen misguided hero back to the area of the beach where they 'bring out (their) dead'....and bury them. They then proceed to toss him in an open grave pit like a rag doll. Ilana suggests a eulogy and Ben's got a doozy: "I knew John Locke, he was a believer. A man of faith...and he was a much better man than I will EVER be..... And I am very sorry I MURDERED HIM!" (Cue awkward stares from the on-lookers)

There's always the 'right' crowd around for the 'right' occasion it seems. Had Jack and Sayid been present here, Ben would have at least had to pick his teeth out of his chewing gum when they were done pounding on him. But instead we get curious looks as if Ben just announced he peed himself. Get that guy! He killed Locke!!Ilana says they need to catch up with the rest of the island folk 'cause Smokey he's in a recruitin' mood.

Meanwhile back in Universe-X, John Locke-X is still livin' it up as only the paraplegic other-worlders can do. He's got wedding plans with his lady love, Helen-X, who mentions Locke-X's dad as if in this Universe, Daddy-X never pushed his ass out a building window. That fall in which was responsible for crackin' a brutha's spine in a place or two.

Locke-X is still being mistreated by 'big douche' Randy-X who fires him after he finds out Locke had shirked business duties on his excursion to Sydney. This trip, by the way, is the one he was busy NOT going to the fabled Walkabout on. Fuckin' liar! I trusted you this time!! I knew this cracker was lyin' but I decided to trust him anyway. Lyin' ass Cracker!!

Que to the parking lot where Locke-X runs into the box companies' owner Hurly-X who offers to place him into a new line of work via a temp agency also owned by Hurly-X. The companies' supervisor is none other than....bum bum bum......Rose-X!

Rose-X confirms that her cancer is still growing after her return from Sydney and that John-X should stop trying to do things he CAN'T and just let himself be placed in a job appropriate for him and start getting on with his life as SHE has.

John-X, however, has that pesky business card of Jack-X burning a whole in his pocket- protector and contemplates getting himself poked and prodded by Jack-X, yet another doctor, so that he and Helen-X can truly be happy together.

Helen-X isn't haven' any of THAT and rips up the business card, in a true testament of her love for him. Will destiny intercede and bring Dr. Jack Shepherd-X to their doorstep anyway? Will Helen-X contract the same cancer-X that killed her doppelganger? Stay tuned true believers.

Panning now to Locke-X placed in his new job....Substitute teacher of a junior high school. Here Locke-X encounters his new co-worker Benjamin Linus-X..who's a European History teacher...and is anal about his coffee...not in an enema type of way, but anal nonetheless.

Is this right? How the hell is Ben in Universe-X? Where did we see him last in 1977 before the 'Incident' sent our path forking into 2 seperate realities. Anybody? Anybody??

Saving the juiciest for last, back near New Otherton, Smoke E. Monster is on the prowl SANS Locke-suit to a 'Stooges' tune. He hovers around a bit in a cool first person p.o.v that puts you, the viewer, in his shoes...er um...smoke. Gotta love it! Smokey stops to retake Locke form and release Richard from a Roussieu like trap, where he's been stashed, to give him another chance to be recruited. Richard refuses and asks him why he's posing as John Locke. Monster/Locke replies that he needed to take the form of a 'candidate' in order to get in to see Jacob (part of the 'loophole'?) This Monster/Locke is pretty forthcoming, not like his elusive adversary Jacob 'What ABOUT you, Ben?' Jacobsen. I like this Smoke Monster! Do you like this Smoke Monster? Show of hands for team Smoke Monster, everybody!

Richard looks as if he's a victim of spousal abuse. I'm just sayin'.

Richard says a few things that leads me to believe that he doesn't know ALL the islands secrets like I had hoped...but just a little more than Ben. Yet another person being kept in the dark by Post-it notes and chicanery. Monster/Locke wonders aloud why yet another relatively smart person follows someone he's never met for reasons he doesn't know. Says Richard should join him instead. Sounds like a plan to me. Monster/Locke is distracted by a cute blonde boy (holla!) whose drippin' blood from his palms in the distance. (Cute, young and bloody just like he likes 'em). Richie CAN'T see blonde boy, but takes the opportunity to make a break for it and Monster/Locke sets up his recruitment center, instead, at the would-be home of James 'Sawyer' Ford.

James has been hittin' the bottle and blastin' the aforementioned apocalyptic Iggy & The Stooges jam tryin' to dull the pain of the loss of Juliet. Apparently he's been sitting in his boxers for quite some time...not even getting up for bathroom breaks. You see that full dirty diaper he was walking around with? Diz-Gustin'. That oughta make you Sawyer gals jump to team Jack once and for all.

A few classic Sawyer lines later...

Monster/Locke has no recruitment issues in this instance. Monster/Locke tells Ford he can answer the biggest question of them all if he comes with him:

'Why are you on this island?'

....and with that, James is happy to oblige, but mostly just because James doesn't care about much of anything anymore.

The new duo head out and bump into first Richard (again) who has a last minute scooby doo style turn-back-now 'he's going to kill everyone' wmessage for Ford. Just then blonde boy (hollar!) pops up. The blonde boy whom apparently Ford CAN see. Blonde Boy reminds Monster/Locke that he can't kill 'him'...and that he knows the 'rules'.

A few more classic Sawyer lines than......

They press on. Ford has the opportunity to GAT BLAST Monster/Locke. Monster/Locke has the opportunity to let Ford drop into the sea, but they don't because they like the chemistry they have goin'. A real Bro-mance. ('Smoke-mance' maybe?)

They've arrive at the destination. This is what Smokey says is Jacob's man cave (hollar!). A quick stop to discard a small white rock and tip the scales in favor of the small black rock, literally,..... than the big reveal:

A cave ceiling with 100's maybe thousands of potential 'candidate' names. People, Smokey says, Jacob has been manipulating toward the island for what we can only expect is for 100's maybe 1000's of years. Persons Jacob is weeding through to find his own replacement in a move I can only describe as Willy Wonka on crack (and if you seen the movie 'Charlie & the Chocolate Factory' you know it ALREADY IS on crack!) The candidate's names have been discarded 1 by 1. Now only 6 remain.....numbered for cataloging purposes:

4-Locke (gulp)
8-Reyes (double gulp)
15-Ford (gasp)
16-Jarrah (double gasp)
23-Shepherd (SHRIEK!)
42-Kwon (Oh...my....god!)

The numbers. THE numbers! Attached to the names. THE NAMES! The numbers and the names! (singing and dancing)

This is all starting to fall into place. Reminiscent of some season 2 'button-pushing' debates, Smokey insists there's nothing special about the island but Jacob is fool bent on protecting it and finding a new protector to proceed him. Ford is bewildered as Smokey crosses off another of the six left...#4 John Locke who is now dead and buried and 'out of play'. Monster/Locke offers James three very simple yet different choices for Sawyer.

1) Do Nothing (sounds easy enough) ...but maybe find himself crossed off the ceiling one day as well. (Gulp)
2) Perform fellatio....er um...Jacob's job on the island and protect it! (from what?!)
3) 'We just go home'.....as in Cartman's "Screw you guys...I'm goin' home"

"The island is nothing special.''Smokey says.

Sooooo the talking dust cloud that took the form of the recently departed island dweller, on an island with tropical polar bears, time travel wheels, cancer and paralysis cures, fertility and infertility issues, unnavigable surrounding waters and skies, magic boxes, pirate ships, 100s of year old inhabitants, ......(phew)...takes a moment to stress to James that there's 'NOTHING SPECIAL ABOUT THE ISLAND....it's just an island'. Are you friggin' kidding me!? What's next? What's next!? WHAT'S NEXT?!?

Monster/Locke, apparantly had James Ford 'at hello',as Renee Zelweger might say, because before Monster/Locke could finish the 3 options, James is all 'let's go'.....I can't wait to see if Sawyer will put Smokey in the front basket of his bicycle and fly him acrossed the island moonlight.

Things I'm pondering:

• Could Jacob's ashes have ANYTHING to do with these ashes the 'Foot' Soldiers use to sprinkle perimeters to keep Smoke Monster at bay? This may not be the first time Jacob or one of the previous island's protectors perished by the flame in this manner and we know Smoke Monster can't lay a hand on Jacob himself. So why not use Jacob's own ashes to ward him off? Things that make you go hmmmmm.
• That better have been a small sand crab and not one of those Nicki and Paolo paralysis spiders scurrying away from Locke's beach corpse. There's already plenty of pseudo Lockes running around. I'm not in favor of real Locke surprisingly regaining consciousness before he's fully buried alive. Shoo with that theory, folks. Shoo Shoo!
• Notice the 'whooooshy' airplane noises in between scene flashes have been replaced by the more ominous Smoke Monster rickety roller coaster noises? Why come? Is it at all possible we're seeing a Smoke Monster 'flash-sideways' and not a John Locke one? (???)
• The dingy broad at Hurly-X's temp agency asking Locke-X Myspace bulletin questions was Lynn Karnoff, the fortune teller, from the Hurly-centric 3rd season episode 'Tricia Tanaka is Dead'. If you recall ('cause I didn't) she's the fortune teller who tries to lift Hurly's curse but is easily bribed by him to satisfy his Dad, Cheech Marin.
• In a response that can only be expressed as unstable and out of character for 'it/him', Smoke Monster (in the John Locke suit) yells Locke's catch phrase 'Don't tell me what I CAN'T do!' at the shows new mysterious blonde boy who's rehashing the island rules. Is it just me or is John Locke's personality taking over Smoke Monster a bit in a way we're expecting Smoke Monster to be taking over Sayid back at the temple? Probably just me.
• The dialogue between Monster/Locke and Richard in which he tries to recruit him wondering why someone would follow someone they can't see or doesn't interact in any way with reminds me of the blind faith of followers of Jesus and God. That would kinda indirectly dictate the Smoke Monster is the Devil, Satan himself, in this equation.
• Which KWON does the ceiling's number 42 apply to Sun or Jin? Vote NOW!
• I saw 'Littleton' written and crossed out. Indication that she has died or has been taken out of the running because of the infection. Does this mean 'Jarrah' is right behind her in her ousting? What other names did you notice on the ceiling? Let's get a nice list going.
• Who does blonde boy want to remind Monster/Locke he can't kill? Jacob for good? Sawyer because he's a candidate? Blonde Boy himself? Richard?
• The big new question will undoubtedly be 'Why was Kate's name not visible on the cave ceiling?' Does Kate not fit into this grand plan whatsoever? Although probably regarded as one of the show's top 5 regulars, she was not give a priority number on the cave ceiling. She may not even have any reason to be on that island at all other than to fuck shit up. Does this ultimately make her less important to the show's mythos or will she have a grander role to play than we could ever have imagined? What's your guess?
• Is Monster/Locke lying to Sawyer? Could he possibly be telling the truth? Can we start believing anything we hear yet??

God I'm just ......................Lost!

- JB

PS: Any 'Substitute' title meanings? Who or what are all the substitutes in this week's episode, class?

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