Well aren’t you sandworms in for a treat this week!
A few of my favorite films came out this month, 30 years ago.And watching these trailers have set my geek panties on fire.Surely, they will do the same for you.
History of the World Part I – June 12th, 1981
Starring Mel Brooks, Gregory Hines, Dom DeLuise
Directed by Mel Brooks
Does anyone know why there was never a part II?Do ya?DO YA?
Despite the 20 seconds of silence at first, which makes me suspect for a moment that I have a slight hearing problem and causes me to crank the volume a liiiittle too loud, the trailer is filled with action!Suspense!Adventure! And wonder for the imagination!But seriously, who are these bad guys again?Yes yes, we KNOW by now who they are because we’ve seen this movie countless times, but really….they just seem to serve no purpose other than pure SABOTAGE.Like snakes!Indy haaates snakes.
Clash of the Titans – June 12th, 1981
Starring Laurence Oliver, Harry Hamlin, Claire Bloom, Maggie Smith
Directed by Desmond Davis
Let me tell you why I think this trailer and movie still kicks ass to this day.Forget that overpriced shitty remake that you watched recently.I’ll take that freakishly creepy stop action medusa over that giant, unrealistic, phony ass kraken from the 2010 version any day.The graphics in this 1981 feature are dope!That’s right!And you know,CGI really stands for “Cartoon-like Garbage Imitation” anyway.The more realistic they try to make things these days, the more silly they come off.Most of the time anyway.OK fine, usually once a year.For the last three years.Around the 4th of July.Yea.I’m talkin’ to YOU, Michael Bay.
Oh hello.What’s this? What do we have here, you ask? Another installment of Trailer Trash Talkin’?FROM 1981 YOU SAY?!Well burn my clothes….
Now, the issue I seem to have with trailers from the 80s is that they’re put together in such a way; it’s like completing a really shitty puzzle.After you finish it, you have no idea what to make of it.There’s just no god damn reward.For example, watch this doozy starring a handsome Dennis Quaid, a young Kristy McNichol (Best known, in my mind, as Barbara from the 80s TV show Empty Nest) and Luke Skywalker…..er, um… I mean Mark Hamill.
The Night The Lights Went Out In Georgia – June 5th, 1981
Starring Dennis Quaid, Kristy McNichol, Mark Hamill
Directed by Ronald F. Maxwell (known for crap, according to IMDB).
“He’s got the talent.She’s got the brains.Together, they’re one mean team.”
That’s nice.That could mean anything.He probably sings the best songs about loving guys!Yea!And she probably has the best brains when it comes to givin’ discounted lap dances at the local doohickey!Alright! Hey, maybe I’d see that movie instead….
The film’s title apparently has been lifted from a 1972 hit song, which isn’t even featured in the film.It was actually rewritten and re-recorded instead.A useless fact for all you sharp tacks out there….
Moving on….released that same week was another installment from some classic stoners….yep you guessed it (yea, probably not)….Cheech & Chong!
Cheech & Chong’s Nice Dreams – June 5th, 1981
Starring Cheech Marin, Tommy Chong, & Sandra Bernhard?Listed as “Girl Nut”ß Haha!
Directed by Tommy Chong
This trailer is more of a TV spot preview.Couldn’t find an actual theatrical trailer.But still, if I was 30 in 1981 (and how I wish I was)….and I saw this on my TV….I wouldn’t know what to make of it.I mean really!What’s going on here?Do YOU know? Really?!Yes, really.
And that’s that.Do you remember any of these films?How do you think they would fair in today’s box office?Let us hear your rambles!Praise be to Jesus!And all of those born in the glorious year of 1981.
So in case you missed it last week, CCD is allowing me to introduce you to the good, the bad, and the god awful movie trailers of 1981.Every week we’ll go back in time and see what was playing in theaters 30 years ago.My, my how times have changed.Or….haaaave they?Have you SEEN the disgraceful remakes that have been announced lately?
Now get a load’a these gems that were released this week in 1981…
There’s some chatter that this movie is set to be remade this year.How surprising.I’ve never seen this film.And now I want to….before a shitty remake is made.Hello, Netflix Queue!
Check out some of these taglines too:
“On Jupiter’s moon, something deadly is happening.”- (Is that so…)
“Even in space, the ultimate enemy is man.” - (When I looked quick, I swear it said “enema”).
“On lo, one of Jupiter’s moons, Sean Connery is the law.”
Now… replace Sean Connery with……Channing Tatum!(Gross).
Bustin’ Loose – May 22nd, 1981
Starring Richard Pryor, Cicely Tyson
Directed by Oz Scott
The trailer quality is terrible but it was the only one available.Please forgive me.And YouTube.
While you’re at it, forgive Richard Pryor.This film looks like pure crap.
The Four Seasons – May 22nd, 1981
Starring Alan Alda, Carol Burnett
Directed by Alan Alda
This film got a rating of 7 out of 10 stars on IMDB.Let’s go to the video tape….
Surprisingly, I enjoyed this trailer.If this movie was (re)made today, it’d probably be casted with young, attractive people and would include awful cheesy antics as an attempt to be cute and relatable.(Katherine Heigl anyone?)
And that’s that.Do you remember any of these films?How do you think they would do in today’s box office?Let us know!And God bless all….who were born…in 1981.
Thirty Years Ago…..in a wormhole far, far away… Thirty years ago, my mother had the greatest gift she was ever going to receive in her life… percolating inside her belly. If you guessed indigestion……well you’re WRONG! I’m talkin’ about ME!
That’s right friends. This old broad will be turning 30 in August. With that, an interesting thought had come to mind. I wondered, “What movies were coming out RIGHT NOW but thirty years ago right now”? Sure you have some great classics like Escape From New York and Raiders of The Lost Ark, etc. But forget about the good for a second. What about the bad and the ugly? So, I decided to start looking up trailers of all sorts of films from thirty years ago. Movies I’ve seen but never really saw the trailer (because you know, at this time thirty years ago, I didn’t have eyes yet) or even trailers of films I never even heard of. The search has been pretty interesting.
Since we’re already into the 5th month here, I figured I’d start off with trailers of films that were released during the week of May15th, 1981 and then after the fun stuff, I’ll have a list of honorable mentions of films that were released from January – April. Cause after all, there were twelve months in 1981. Do you remember?…..
Take This Job And Shove it – May 15th, 1981 Starring Robert Hayes, Barbara Hershey
Kinda sounds like what I want to tell my job right now… The trailer is quite unclear but….you’ll get the idea.
I’ve never seen this film. By the looks of the trailer, there doesn’t look like much of a plot. These people just want the day off!
Happy Birthday To Me – May 15th, 1981 Starring Melissa Sue Anderson, Glenn Ford, Tracy E. Bregman
A great classic!
My favorite part is when the cake gets the ax! Imagine if they remade this movie now? It’d be god awful! ::cough cough:: Fright Night ::
And that’s that. So, have you seen either of these films? Let us know! And God bless all….who were born…in 1981. J
Honorable Mentions: January 1981
January, 1 Scanners
January, 1 My Dinner With Andre (1981)
January, 1 Death Hunt
Jaunary, 1 Fort Apache, The Bronx
January, 1 The Private Eyes
January, 1 Roar
January, 1 The Devil and Max Devlin
January, 30 The Incredible Shrinking Woman
February 1981
February, 11 Sphinx
February, 11 Le dernier métro
February, 13 Sunday Lovers
February, 13 The Dogs of War
February, 13 Eyewitness
February, 13 American Pop March 1981
March, 6 All Night Long
March, 6 On the Right Track
March, 13 The Funhouse
March, 13 Modern Romance
March, 13 Back Roads
March, 15 Confidence (1981)
March, 20 The Final Conflict
March, 20 Amy
March, 20 Kelly
March, 20 Cutter's Way
March, 20 The Postman Always Rings Twice
March, 27 Thief
March, 27 Eyes of a Stranger
April 1981
April, 10 This is Elvis
April, 10 From Mao to Mozart
April, 10 The Howling
April, 10 Going Ape!
April, 10 Excalibur
April, 10 Nighthawks
April, 17 Improper Channels
April, 17 Caveman
April, 24 Beyond the Reef
April, 24 Cattle Annie and Little Britches
April, 24 The Hand
April, 24 Second-Hand Hearts
April, 30 Friday the 13th Part 2
Friends With Benefits – New Trailer: Release Date: July 22, 2011.
Justin Timberlake, Mila Kunis, Emma Stone, Patricia Clarkson, Woody Harrelson
I know. You’re just as confused as I am, right? You’re sittin’ there in your little house dress.... scratchin’ your hairy chin and saying to yourself, “didn’t this movie come out already?!”
Well you know it did. And I know it did. But I don’t think the sheeple of Hollywood think you know and I know that they know it did but they just don’t care. So now what?
The really bizarre thing here will be that, regardless of this cinematic repeat parrot, chances are it will do annoyingly well at the box office. Presumably because (in my best cornish, Zoolander impression) of it’s really, really, ridiculously good looking leading starlets. Chicks also tend to eat this corny fake romance crap up while guys will tolerate it and go see it in hopes to get a sneak peak of Kunis’ snack sacks. 89.7% (yes this is an accurate figure!) of my male friends admitted to seeing Black Swan because they wanted to see Portman and Kunis dine out on each other. Not that there is anything wrong with this but…I’m sure you get my point.
Another thing that ruffles my feathers is that the additional talent that is involved in this movie is confusing to me. Woody Harrelson and Richard Jenkins? Who the hell convinced these “way too overqualified” people to add this tasteless crap to their resumes? Maybe I’ll consider the whole “they didn’t know a similar film was being made” excuse, which I really don’t believe either because everyone knows what everyone is doing in this business. Or they felt like “trying something different.” But really, all you need to see is Justin Timberlake being airlifted by a helicopter in a straight jacket to know that this movie is going to be an absolute waste of $12+ bucks. Too bad this shit isn’t being released on April Fool’s Day. Then I’d totally be in on the joke.
Ever since that scene in Scream where Ghostface asks Ms Barrymore that same question people have been asking each other it with regularity. Actually, I'm pretty sure they have been asking each other that since the beginning of film itself. Scary movies are just so easy to talk about... and so easy to form an opinion of. For many reasons they are the genre of movies that you can point to and say "Yup, these are the ones I LOVE!!!" In honor of CCD's 1st annual All Horror Week, we decided to highlight some of our contributors and friends 3 favorite scary/horror movies of all time. These may not be the best, but they are each person's FAVORITE, so these lists should be quite fun. Here we go!
First up, we got the movie trailer assasin herself, Kristen "KMG" Grillo. She has written Trailer Trash Talking here on CCD for a minute, and even though her productivity has been down lately (step your game up yo!!!) she is poised to make a serious comeback soon. She also took alot of the CCD pics from the floor of the 2010 NYC Comic Con. With no further, I present Kristen Grillo's 3 Favorite Scary Movies Of All Time:
John Carpenter's Halloween (1978) -
He wasn't in your dreams. He wasn't a hockey faced mongoloid who drowned in a lake (although I have a great amount of respect for the first few installments of Friday the 13th). He was real. And his evil felt real. The best of its time and, in my opinion, nothing has ever come close to it's style since it's release.
The Blair Witch Project (1999) -
Say what you will about this low budget horror mockumentary , the marketing of this movie was brilliantly executed by a bunch of nobodies and while the ending may leave some (not I) sort of empty, the hair on my neck still stands whenever I think of that creepy house scene at the end.
George Romero's Night of the Living Dead (1968) -
Romero is the Godfather of Zombie Horror. Though I usually forget about it throughout the year, Night of The Living Dead is a huge reminder of why I loved Halloween (and horror) as a little California Raisin (a costume my mother unfortunately dressed me in as a child). "They're coming to get you, Barbara!"
Devil.:Directed by Drew & John Erick Dowdle. Written by: Brian Nelson (screenplay) & M. Night Shyamalan (story) Release Date: September 17, 2010.
Those that are behind the marketing strategy for this trailer are going about it all wrong. Immediately you see M. Night Shyamalan’s name splashed all over this. With his most recent films being box office & critic failures respectively, this kind of advertising will only stir up more negative controversy about the eccentric and extremely clandestine director & possibly hurt the release of this film. But I guess any publicity is good publicity these days. Or in Mel Gibson’s case, perhaps not. (that poor, dumb bastard)
For someone who once was seriously considering a profession in filmmaking, M. Night always spoke my language as far as cinematographical (if this isn’t an actual word yet, consider it one now, bitches) storytelling goes. I’ve appreciated every one of his films and loved many things about them. While some may never understand the way his eyes and heart tell a story, there is no denying that he has been one of the most imaginative & risk-taking directors in the last decade. Which is exactly why I am personally upset that he did not direct this movie. It will, however, be interesting to see how Drew & John Erick Dowdle (Quarantine) interpret his story. If successful, will this encourage M. Night to take a back seat to directing? I sure as shit hope not.
Elevators and Satan are both equally creepy, right? Right. So imagine what you would have if you combined the two, toss some little pawns in there and then unleash a bunch of wicked shit on them……………
……………“Meh.”
This being first released trailer, it does widen my eyes with curiosity as I try to imagine how it will all play out. However, consider me one of the many who hope the film can sustain that anticipation and effectively make me shit out a terror brick, all without deflating into a silly cheese-mess riddled with old fashioned, monotonous scare tactics. In this time of craptastic films, it is definitely going to be a challenge.
Paranormal Activity 2: Directed by Tod Williams. Release Date: October 22, 2010.
Hitting the internet scene this week and causing quite the quiff was the teaser trailer to the sequel of Paranormal Activity. Who even knew a second one was being made…and so soon!
To my surprise, I actually like the teaser. When I hit play, I already felt like I was being duped into watching those ghey (yet so, so cruel) video email pranks where you’re watching ducks swim in a pond and some exorcist, creep face mother-bitcher pops up and starts screamin’ maniacally in your grill piece until. So anyway, I’m watchin’ the teaser and I immediately start to creep down at my desk. And I’m creepin’ lower and lower….peepin’ one eye above a pile of paperwork to see what shit’s going to scream in my face next. And well…..just check it out for yourself…..
While there really isn’t much to go on here, like whose in it, you can't deny that it still captures that creepy, eerie, watching with a blanket over your head sort of feel that the first film gave you. The dog. The baby in the crib! (::gasp:: oh no!) The mirror doors in the bedroom & that sexy green mood lighting. Chances are it won’t be extraordinary but it sure will be fun. And just in time for the best holiday ever….Halloween!
The Green Hornet -Directed by Michel Gondry. Starring: Seth Rogen, Cameron Diaz, Christoph Waltz, Jay Chou. Release Date: January 2011
Well lookie here...It’s The Green Hornet trailer! Oh no! Who’s that playing The Green Hornet? Seth Rogen, you say?!? Yea, I didn’t really know what to make of that news when I first heard it either. And watching the trailer now, I still have little doubt that Rogen could successfully pull this off as convincingly as say, Robert Downey Jr. playing Tony Stark (yea so what, I'm shooting high). Although, there is an interesting supporting line up here. That could possibly make The Green Hornet worth a viewing.
I do like Rogen. I even don’t mind all his distracting little baby teeth that he’s got poppin’ outta his front window. It gives him character. But having Rogen play a crime fighter? I really just can’t make that adjustment. I will be honest. I know very little about the history of the Green Hornet. And usually I don’t like to critique something that I don’t know much about. But then I said to myself, it is my job here to critique and if I were to look at this as if it were just your regular, average movie trailer, I still can’t help but get the douche chills when watching him sitting in The Black Beauty, blasting away at the street cameras taking pictures of them running red lights. Shooting himself in the face with a gas gun. Watching him limp-kick away at bad guys. If the trailer is making me this gassy, I can’t imagine what 90 minutes of this will do to me. And it ain’t Rogen’s fault. That’s just what happens when you have a shitty casting director. And Hollywood needs to cut it out with these superhero movies already. They’re just getting terrible. Dark Knight & Iron Man proved that you can still make a great comic book/ superhero movie that appeals to both adults and children without being over the top ridiculous or a flat, cheesy cornfest. Judging by its trailer, The Green Hornet just doesn’t look like it’s going to be one of them.
Love Ranch- Directed by: Taylor Hackford Starring: Helen Mirren, Joe Pesci, Gina Gershon Release Date: June 30, 2010 (limited)
Greetings, followers. It’s been a while. And I’ve missed you (sort of).
So, speaking of feelings of longing, a few weeks back on a brisk, spring evening, I caught a sweet, little Joe Pesci marathon on the tube. Goodfellas was playing on AMC (for most likely, the 56th time that week) while Showtime was playing Casino, my personal favorite out of the two. Like a swift, channel surfing genius, I found myself watching the two side by side. I also found myself asking… “where the fuck IS Joe Pesci?” It was that moment that I realized how much I missed the little creature.
Well, have no fear. He’s been found….
“There’s no business like hoeeeeee business!” Ahhh…doesn’t it feel good to see his face again?. Even if it is lookin’ a little weather beaten.
Based on “true events” (that’s actually code word for 98.6% fictional), Love Ranch is about Charlie & Grace Botempo, a husband and wife duo (Pesci & Mirren) who own and run Nevada’s first ever hoe house. Set in the late 1970’s, all in all is pretty much business as usual until Charlie hires Armando Bruza, a famous heavy weight boxer (played by newbie Sergio Peris–Mencheta) who comes to the ranch to train as part of the Charlie’s growing entrepreneurial efforts. Bruza apparently has the cougar fever and pursues Charlie’s bride which then erupts into an unforeseen love triangle, causing madness and mayhem in hooker paradise.
While not so fresh at the surface (and I ain’t talkin’ about the hoes, folks), it’s the key players that make Love Ranch so appealing. Pesci’s on screen return has certainly got my juices flowing & Mirren is fantastic in anything that she does. I am pretty excited about this one. Now, I know that might not be enough reassurance for some of you but you should really consider the “Over 60 & Sexy” hotness that is the Dame Helen Mirren. Y’all know who you are. And if old broads ain’t yer bag, there’s always Gina Gershon. “Hoein’ it up since 1991,” - a tagline that I’m sure is pretty much listed somewhere on her resume. Or maybe it’s “Nobody does hoe better.” Whatever.
The Killer Inside Me - June 18th 2010 Starring: Casey Affleck, Kate Hudson, Jessica Alba
Originally screened back at Sundance in January and more recently at the Tribeca Film Festival this past April, The Killer Inside Me has been causing quite the stir. The film, based on the 1952 novel by Jim Thompson, is about a small town sheriff who lives an alternate life as a psychopathic serial killer. The film, much like the novel, is graphic and pretty violent with one scene in particular that seems to be raising an eyebrow or two.
You basically don’t get any of this from watching the trailer. As a matter of fact, before the watching the preview I never heard of the book and didn’t have the slightest clue as to what this film was about. The impression that I got while watching the trailer had me thinking it was about a dude with some women problems. Just your old fashioned infidelity story about a guy who can’t stay faithful to his broad and perhaps the pressure makes him snap, sending him on a one time murderous rage. If it wasn’t for a quick google search and a Stanley Kubrick quote that is briefly displayed during the trailer, I honestly would have no idea that this film was about a serial killer. And a psychopathic one at that. To me, that drops a whole different impression. Guys that kill because they can’t handle pressure (like that sissy-mary Jonathan Rhys Meyers in Match Point) and actual serial killing psychos are two different things for me. The trailer unfortunately fails to make the latter a perceptible point to the viewer. Unless you’re someone who is privy to the book, you’ll most likely walk away shrugging your shoulders and forgetting about it instantly as you reach for your good morning breakfast bean burrito. With hot sauce, of course.
What actually is catching my attention is this whole controversy about the film being misogynistic & brutal towards women. The scene that I was referring to earlier is one that takes place between Affleck & Alba, where Affleck’s character goes all Hustle & Flow on Alba and “whoops that trick”, so badly that she is practically unrecognizable. Winterbottom, the film’s director, has apparently taken a lot of heat for having this scene in the film. From what I’ve read around so far though, the book is just as graphic (and more) and the film is pretty true to its original story. I couldn’t help but think about another recent film which took a nosedive with critics and viewers alike because its version was actually “too light” compared to the novel it was based upon. The film I’m referring to is Peter Jackson’s The Lovely Bones, where a young 14 year old girl is raped and murdered. Around the time of its release, there was some unusual chatter about the film being less powerful due to Jackson’s decision to omit the graphic rape and death scene that takes place in the book. “How odd”, I thought. People actually wanted to see that? (... Whoa.)
So before I leave you, a serious question/thought here: Why do you think it’s tolerable for books to be written with such graphic content but a thick dose of controversy seems to be stirred up whenever a film contains an equal or exact amount of graphic content in it? Which do you think leaves more of an impression and why? And just in case you don’t give a hooter’s twat about this debate…..
Super 8 - Written & Directed by JJ Abrams and Produced by Steven Spielberg
Unless some of you herbwhorevors have yet to see Iron Man 2 or somehow managed to avoid the latest internet bizbuzz, you should know that Super 8 is Mr. JJ Abrams’s (Alias/Lost/Mission Impossible 3) latest trailer bait. Based on this so called teaser I am far from impressed, kids. Not even Stevie Spielberg’s name being splashed around can get my geek mojo aroused. Call me Ms. High Expectations but when I hear the word “teaser” I’m expecting something so delicious that it makes the ole bean move beneath my britches. So in those terms, this one and a half minute man hardly does that. What it does frankly, is remind me of an unpleasant memory in my movie viewing history.
I am immediately taken back to the summer of 2007. I was sitting in the very uncomfortable front row of the UA Midway movie theater on Queens Blvd. (bless you, Fandango for saving my infinite purchase history). My usual order of Junior Mints and H20 are in hand and I am patiently waiting for the cinematic shitstorm known as Transformers to begin. At that moment a trailer showing a bunch of NYC hipster douches throwing some party comes on. Their bulimic cokefest is then crashed by an earthquake, some Godzilla roars, followed by raining fireballs and the Statue of Liberty’s dome piece. The trailer abruptly ends with “01-18-08.” The next day, a whole internet frenzy ensues of dorks desperately trying to figure out the ambiguity behind 01-18.08. A few phony websites were constructed to keep the hype alive for 6 painful months, unlocking clues and clips of what this story was. 01/18/08 arrives and Cloverfield is a success. An ordinary one but a success nonetheless.
Fast forward two years later to….Super 8! (another working title I presume)…
While this time it’s a reckless douche in a pick up that causes the fireball party, I can’t help but feel that this is all so Cloverfield 2 to me. And for all we know, maybe it is or even a prequel for that matter. Whatever the case may be (no LOST pun intended), without more to go on here I can’t escape the feeling of this being more of the same. And since theaters are just flooded with terrible remakes and unnecessary sequels (::ahem:: Sex And The City TWO), I personally can’t take anymore repeat offenders right now. On the flip side, I do hope I’m all wrong about this and the next trailer takes a refreshing turn.
If you just happen to be someone who doesn’t really care about all that nonsense and just loves a good dose of movie déjà vu then you’ll be thrilled to hear that JJ & Co. have also created (surprise!) a website to keep the fun mystery hype alive until the movie’s release sometime in 2011. The wonderful blognerds over at www.fearnet.com have been so kind to do a little leg work & shed some informative light on the trailer’s “hidden message-turned website” and what it all means. Have a look-see here:
So my CCD pals, until JJ drops me a more informative trailer or a few thirsty nerds ban together and crack open more intriguing clues to the plot, my anticipation for this one remains a solid “big deal.”
When I first heard of this film being viewed at Sundance back in January, I didn’t think much of it. An unknown director (Rodrigo Cortés) was attached. It’s only well known lead was that of Ryan Reynolds. And the basic synopsis of “a man being buried alive” really didn’t leave much of an impression. “Big deal”, I thought. Like that’s never been done before. But reading a preview and actually viewing one can deliver two very different reactions. Most of the time when you read a movie’s synopsis it always sounds better than it actually is. With Buried the results for me couldn’t be more contrary. Mind you, this is a fucking TEASER trailer. It’s 1:10 long and it’s really all I need to make a sure decision that I want to see this film. Successfully, the trailer has sold me in record time. I wish there was a way to convince the film’s producers to keep this teaser as its only form of advertisement for the next five months. Any more reveal, and all its obscurity will start to deflate like a 60 year old pair of snack sacks. See for yourself:
(Sound is low. Turn the volume up.)
In case you’re not as impressed as I am, keep in mind the following: While the whole “buried alive” premise is surely nothing original, in my opinion it’s never been convincingly done before. Usually there is some sort of “gore, zombie terror” tied into it or some strange revenge plot that allows lazy writers to rely on the idea of being buried alive rather than incorporating it into an intelligent story. With Buried being independently financed and filled with mostly unknowns, the only way this movie COULD garnish attention is with an attractive tale to tell. That being said, the trailer leaves me with the uncomfortable desire of wanting to know more. I have to say, I’m itchin’ with anticipation here. I just hope I’m not hyping myself up into disappointment. Cause that certainly has been done before. Your thoughts? Let ‘em fly, kids.
Killers - Starring Ashton Kutcher & Katherine Heigl and Tom Selleck - Release Date: June 4, 2010
Over the weekend, I went to check out Kick Ass (which overall I enjoyed yet I still haven’t fully processed the whole moral of watching the deadly, filth-mouth 11 year old Hit Girl character…but that’s a debate for another blog). While waiting for the previews to spin, I sat there with some pals contemplating on what the next review would be. I figured the previous reviews were all pretty favorable and I wanted to try and change it up this time. Just then, as if the heavens opened up above me and heard my prayers, this little gem rolled in:
Mother of God…where does one begin with this debacle? How about we start with our leads. I was never really a fan of anything Ashton Kutcher. I barely watched That 70s Show yet whenever I did tune in, his Kelso character was genuinely adorable and that’s about as much as I can tolerate from him. Otherwise, let’s face it; he’s really just useless as an actor. He’s not convincingly funny at all. His attempts of being a serious actor are middling at best. I would say the only thing Kutcher has going for him is that he’s charming, likable (both on and off the screen) and it doesn’t hurt that he’s a little easy on the eyes (although he’s a little too lean & delicate looking for my taste.) All these things just make you a regular type of guy. They don’t however, make you a good actor. Consider yourself lucky, Ashton (oof, what a name for a dude).
Katherine Heigl on the other hand, I feel is capable of so much more yet she continues to dish out these cutesy, ditsy girl roles and I just don’t know why. She’s demonstrated plenty of range with her up and down performances as Dr. Izzie Stevens on ABC’s Grey’s Anatomy. So why is she always making more of the same in film? When I checked out The Ugly Truth (mind you I only went to see it for that hot piece Gerard Butler!), I literally got the douche chills while watching her play this dopey broad willing to do anything desperate in order to “find true love.” And as it seems here in Killers, there she is again all alone and single (oh boo-fucking-hoo!) on vacation with her parents feeling sorry for herself only to fall in love with the first guy that pays her any mind. As it turns out, this guy just so happens to be an undercover government spy which leads to some apparent bullshit action sequences. Now…hold up just a second here. Can someone please give me a break with this shitty ass premise already?! In almost every romantic comedy, (cause let’s face it; that’s what this movie really is under all them farty explosions) why are women always portrayed as these moronic, desperate, pathetic nothings because they’re “single”? Is this point really necessary? Do most women actually relate to these sorts of stories? I sure as shit don’t. But I’m digressing here so let’s get back on track. Deep breaths, KG. Stay focused!
With all that said, you already know what this movie’s about. You already know how it’s going to end and what to expect from it. So why even bother to go and spend your hard earned dollas on this shitfest? The funniest thing about the preview was hearing this clincher: “KILLERS. Starring Ashton Kutcher.” BAHAHAHAHA! Riiiiight. Where the fuck is Arnold Schwarzenegger when you really need him? I hope someone tells me that there’s an Arnie cameo in it and he comes in all Conan The Barbarian style, hacks Kutcher’s head off and field goal kicks it over the Hollywood Hills sign. Haha!! Allllllright….maybe I’m getting a little carried away here. Sorry folks. It’s hard to talk serious when you’re reviewing nonsense. But you know that’d be pretty fuckin’ dope. You know it! I’d love for someone to try and give me a logical explanation as to why movies like this are made in the first palce. Try me, suckas. Just try! Killers: Anticipation Grade: F (for Fuck…THAT.)
Salt - Starring Angelina Jolie, Liev Schreiber, Chiwetel Ejiofor
Release Date: July 23rd, 2010.
When you hear the name Angelina Jolie, what’s the first thing that comes to mind? And before you go and blurt out the first inappropriate answer (She’s hot! She’s trash! She needs to stop adopting all them babies!) the question is geared towards her career, not her personal life. Unless that’s all you really care about. The gossip fodder. If that’s the case then you is in the wrong place. Y’all can go check out that sorta garbage over at that big purple freak show’s website: perezhilquiff.com or whatever the hell it is. This here’s business! And getting back to business, whenever Jolie’s name is attached to a project I’m usually thinkin’ it’ll be something worth watching. I like Jolie. Even when nothing’s blowing up or she’s not crackin’ skulls, she always delivers a strong, dominant performance, making her sometimes the most interesting thing to watch in a film. Not too many thirty-something, A-listing ladies are capable of such range.
In our current trailer up for review, Jolie plays Evelyn Salt, a CIA officer who is accused of actually being a Russian spy. When she evades capture in an attempt to prove her innocence, her efforts seem to only fuel the speculation of her guilt.
When I first heard of Salt’s conception back in 2008, it was then said that Tom Cruise was on board to helm the role of Edwin Salt. As the script developed more deeply into a spy/espionage type thriller, Cruise backed out feeling that the storyline was too akin to that of his Mission: Impossible character, Ethan Hunt. Smart move, I’d say. Meanwhile on the sidelines, producers were already interested in casting Jolie into a separate, James Bond style type franchise so with Cruise dipping out, they then considered gender-flipping the role. Sprinkle in some of Jolie’s interest, a few tweaky-tweaks to the body of the script and…Voilà! Edwin takes a trip down into Transgender Valley and becomes Evelyn. Mahvelous. Or is it? Let’s roll the video tape:
As I’m watching this trailer, I’m trying to picture what it’d be like if Cruise actually went through with this role. I’ll tell you right now that I’d be sitting here saying to myself, “Jesus CHRIST, not another one of these spy thriller shits.” It’s the same thing I said to myself when I saw Matt Damon’s trailer for that Green Zone. That shit immediately reminded me of The Bourne Identity (you know it did too, so don’t try and play yaself). Once that happens, I’m just aggravated. I tune out. If you’re a repeat offender, that’s it, you’ve lost me. Though, seeing Jolie fill in the title character’s shoes here, I’m….interested to say the least. The movie’s premise of “You think everyone’s who they say they are?” is something to mull over by the end of the preview. Her change in appearance from a suited up agent ,all blonde and pristine looking, into this dark and deadly rogue officer helps influence that notion. I’m wondering why this bitch is going through all that trouble? Just plead your case, woman! With that said, Salt could very well be one of those films that would’ve been an open & shut case yet it’s dragged out into another over the top, action-fluff film because Hollywood can’t do much else these days, creatively anyway. While I’m not “thrilled” to catch this thriller over the summer, I’m sure I’ll sneak in a back door to peep this joint. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have some CCD reading to catch up on….
Well hello folks! I am pretty excited to jump aboard the massive ship that is CCD. Since its debut earlier this year, I’ve been keeping up with the site and its many talented contributors. For me CCD is unlike anything that I’ve surfed across yet. In one place you have so many different things right at your fingertips. Instead of jumping around from one site to another in order to get my daily dose of geek that involves TV shows, movies, music, books, sports, art, etc., I can just make one easy pit stop right here. Mike D. has surely done a great job putting together a nice collaboration of entertainment in all its form and I am very pleased & thrilled to be apart of that. With that said, I’d like to introduce to you my own form of contribution: Movie Trailer Reviews.
I don’t know about you but one of my most favorite things about going to see a movie in the theaters is the anticipation of the previews. A trailer can really make or break a movie. I think it is one of the most important elements in film advertising. A good trailer will turn you on. It will get you excited and tingly. In fact, it’s so god damn good that you’re actually pissed off you’ll have to wait 14 more months to see it in it's full form. There's also another form of a successful movie trailer. The sneaky & deceitful kind where they actually make garbage look glorious. ::cough, cough – Transformers:: They're known as the bastard masters of manipulation. We’ve all fell for it. The trailer looks so fantastic that there is no way on EARTH this movie could suck. Riiight. Get real.
So, let’s do the damn thing and get this started, shall we? Feel free to post your opinions, feedback, fun facts, gripes, bitchery and debauchery and such. In fact, I insist upon it!
First up is The Expendables, starring Sylvester Stallone, Jason Statham, Mickey Rourke, Dolph Lundgren, Terry Crews, (Stone Cold) Steve Austin, Arnold (mah man!) Schwarzenegger and Bruce Willis. Let me tell you, this is all the advertising I need. Just take a hot gander at this line up! To be honest, the importance of the plot goes right out the window here. They could be rescuing a truck load of puppies and stolen daffodils in Kansas for all I care; I’d still go see this movie. The fact that I’m seeing Stallone, Arnold, and Bruce crammed into one scene together, even if it's for two minutes, is more than enough bliss for me. Two minutes with these guys is all I need. And I can guarantee the supporting line up of Li, Statham, Crews & Lundgren will only add heavenly fuel to this glorious fire.
This preview leaves me feeling like this Expendables is a little similar to that of Stallone's Rambo released in 2008. A group of mercenaries goin’ off into the jungle to kill some dopey Vietnemese lookin’ basterds to rescue…..someone. Who? What?! Do they ever really say specifically?! Does it matter? Not really. We’re just here for the carnage, right? The led pumping, neck snapping, knife plunging, witty cornball one liner action fun! If Stallone was the only star driven vehicle here, I’d probably be less interested. I just watched that Rambo on cable the other night. How many times must I watch this fella perform the same old line o' work? I get it, pal. Your 63 years old and JACKED and not ready to hang up your bullet belt yet but at least you got a little creative with your casting this time. All these guys will bring different types of butchery to the table. That's a given. And for the people who love what each of them have been individually capable of in their past films will most certainly roll out to see them ham it up here in The Expendables. Count me in, suckas! I’ll be front & center with my war paint on. Will you?
The Expendables: Anticipation Grade = A... Sign Me Up!!! I'll be first in line
The Other Guys. Starring Mark Wahlberg, Will Ferrel, Samuel L. Jackson, Eva Mendes, & Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson.
When it comes to directing a comedy these days, there are usually only two men that you know will successfully deliver the goods: Judd Apatow & Adam McKay. Not too many people are familiar with Adam McKay’s work. You barely ever see his name as a driving force to promote his movies. With Apatow, it’s always the opposite. You’re always made aware that he’s “the guy” who brought you 40 Year Old Virgin, Knocked Up, & Superbad, a movie that he didn’t even direct (only produced). McKay on the other hand, rarely gets the notice he deserves. How do I know this? Because whenever I bring up his name, no one ever has a clue who I’m talking about. Until I mention what he’s done: Stepbrothers, Anchorman, Talladega Nights and he’s also the co-creater of the website I’m sure most of you frequently visit: www.funnyordie.com (“Ooooo, right. That guy!) If any of y’all are fans of these films, you’ll be happy to know that Mr. Underdog McKay has teamed up with Will Ferrell again to bring you The Other Guys, starring Mark Wahlberg, Will Ferrell, Samuel L. Jackson, Eva Mendes, & Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson. It’s set to hit theaters this summer on August 6, 2010. The film’s premise is about two mismatched New York City detectives who try and seize an opportunity to step up like the city's top cops whom they idolize. Only…things don't quite go as planned. And of course, comedic hijinks ensue. Let’s see what the preview has to say for itself:
First things first: It is NEVER a mistake to have Samuel L. Jackson pop up within the first 10 seconds of a preview, while probably delivering one of the movies most funniest lines (“someone call 9-1-holy-shhh…”). Haha! How great he? Then we’re introduced to the oddest couple you ever did see: Sir Calvin Klein, rough guy Marky Mark sitting right across from that dopey Frank The Tank. What a strange sight, no? What I believe Wahlberg is trying to do with accepting a role like this is direct himself towards new acting territory. His recent efforts to stray away from the usual tough guy material and dip into more emotional roles, such as The Lovely Bones and The Happening, were not too well received. So what do you do when your career’s hittin’ a bit of a critical bump? Try and make ‘em laugh. Laughter’s the best medicine. It worked for guys like DeNiro, right? (Analyze This, Meet The Parents) Perhaps it’ll work for this guy. Hey, if the shoe fits, my man….
The action scenes look like your typical Hollywood fluff butter but it’s the comical interactions between our two main gents that are very engaging. Ferrell, in his usual goofball fashion, seems to comfortably play off of Wahlberg’s intimidating demeanor and it works really well. My favorite scene from the trailer is when we realize that the always supa-dupa fly n’ sexy Eva Mendes plays Will Ferrell’s wife. (For real?!) And just like that Wahlberg’s saying exactly what’s on our minds at that moment: “Come on, seriously….Who is that?” By the end of the trailer, I’ve really warmed up to these two guys being on the same screen together. And if the preview is that successful, imagine how the film must be. Of course it is way too early for us to get our hopes that high but judging from the sample slice we just tasted in the preview, I’m sure it is safe to say that we will get what we came for: an entertaining ensemble that will keep you laughin’ and snortin’ from start to finish.
The Other Guys: Anticipation Grade = A... Sign Me Up!!! I'll be first in line
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